2013
When I see, and the back of my eyes burn because I realize there’s no one on earth my hair would defy gravity for, not one person I want to be wrapped up with or pressed against, because something always tastes wrong in my mouth, because I’d rather be alone than tangle myself up in another world, because if I fall I’d rather land hard on the shards of glass and scar my skin than for someone to catch me, because wandering from story to story makes me less and less human, because only ignorant ignorance is bliss, because even the people I’ve felt closest to are breathing air and walking on land or at best flying, while my lungs are filled with olive oil and my gills absorb dark matter and my guts churn with flower petals and by this time tomorrow I’ll be in a different galaxy, because not one word I say means what it means to anyone who hears it, because ‘I understand’ only means ‘I want to’, or ‘I wish I did’, or ‘I really believe I do but I’m wrong’, because there’s no way to give you new eyes, because there’s no truth strong enough to help you hear x-rays, because there will never be a pair of glasses to help you taste light, because I will never be able to mix a drink that makes you hear darkness, because no matter how firmly my hands grasp your shoulders and how long I send reams and reams of meaning into your eyes, nothing will reach you, because I can’t touch anything, because only my shadow lives here, because only my reflection has bridged the gap, because that’s not enough, it can never be enough, because I can only pretend so far, because you can try and try and try and try and I still won’t let you hold my hand, because I know I don’t have hands, because what you see is an projection anyway, because illusions can’t feel their hands once they know they’re illusions, because my hair can’t defy gravity if there is no hair and there is no gravity, because if I defy physics for you, to you I’ll be defying physics, when really I’m only a shadow without hands. Because I’m not what you’re here to find, because you’re here to find others and defy gravity together. Because that’s why you were all given hair. Please. Listen. I’m trying to tell you. I don’t live here. You can’t hold my hand. I’m sorry.
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